What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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