i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
