its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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