I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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