I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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