I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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