its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
