Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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