I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
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