I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED