At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.