Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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