I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
