just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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