So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
This toilet bowl is my home.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
