I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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