I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
