I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
