my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
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I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
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My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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