look no pants
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
