Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
