He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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