Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
