im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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