I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
