i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I checked into jail on foursquare
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
