I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
