....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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