I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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