I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I can text with my tongue
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
