dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
