before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Life is so much better after having sex.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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