The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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