I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
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