she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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