i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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