It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
you traded sex for a burrito?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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