saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
