I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
