I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
my shit smells like andre
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
