i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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