I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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