Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
