you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
