i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
