shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
