I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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