Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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