I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
