The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
