I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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