also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
