i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
